Who do I want to Be?

By coincidence, I happen to have been thinking a lot about this aspect of my life, that is to say, the future. And my past. Um, the present? That too.

I have spent a significant part of my life dwelling on the past. Regrets. Things I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now. Digging up and re-hashing stuff in therapy, and generally not enjoying that process very much. As a fully realized Self, I strive to acknowledge and accept the person I was, who is often times not the person I am now, and quite probably will not be the person I shall be five years from now. Or next week. Or tomorrow.
Life is a journey, not stasis, right?
With that in mind, I’ve tried hard, within the last year or so to not worry too darn much about the person who I may become and embrace the person that I am today.
As David Cassidy once said, “There is a Gift in the Here & Now that I like to call The Present.”
(He said that, I swear!)
The person I want to be gets a new shot at being that person with each passing moment, every turn of the hands around a clock. The sun will come out tomorrow, yadda, yadda, yadda…
Hence, I am very (sometimes painfully aware) of my own inner monologue; the frustrations, the weariness, the cynicism.
I know that is definitely not the person I want to be, so I usually keep it under wraps, but then again, I know the dangers of internalizing all those voices clamoring for attention, and every now and again I let loose.
If I can, I channel that energy into a song. Maybe I’ll dance. If I’m really lucky, it will evince itself as an orgasm.
More often than not these days it seems as if it comes out wrong: a stutter, or worse, an epithet.
So I guess, maybe the person I most want to be is: Understood.